Half Speed

Life feels in slow motion to me right now.

Part of it is my body not allowing me to do my usual number of things in a day.  I'm used to pushing myself, to doing a lot at a time, managing to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, cook three meals, make all the beds, take a walk with Ben, help Grandma with a shower, weed the garden, trim the bushes, and sit down sometime in the evening to enjoy a little time on the computer before bed.  I have family members who complain about this, but my philosophy for a long time has been that if something needs to be done and I have time to do it, I should do it: because there's no guarantee there'll be time for it tomorrow.

My mom has told me many times that when she was expecting or nursing a young baby, she had to learn to pick a few things in a day and just do those or she would be worn out.  Mom and I have kind of different temperaments, though, and I always wondered if I would really have to cut back that much.  Then there was my pregnancy with Joshua and I was still getting a lot done even if I started feeling iffy around 5:00 in the evening.  So I figured, "Well, I just have more energy than Mom."

Then along came this baby.

Like a lightswitch, at about five weeks my energy started dropped off.  By this week - week six - there were a few days when I got literally nothing done.  Every time I tried to get up and get going, I was lightheaded, short of breath, sick to my stomach, and generally feeling like I got run over by a truck.

We're starting week seven now and I've discovered a few things: every day is a smaller window of opportunity than it used to be.  Every day requires me to spend a lot more time eating (apparently my blood sugar is crashing and I'm under orders to eat protein every two hours), a lot less time cooking, and a lot more time sitting.  Every day is more precious to me than before, and it often seems to drag by as I wait patiently (or not so patiently) for this baby to get bigger and make it through the most uncertain time of his/her young life.  I have to be very careful to sort out what's necessary to get done and what I can let go for the time being.  

Grandma Lila is a little confused about this - she's used to me getting everything done and I think she forgets why I might be slower to cross days off on her calender or get her bed made in the morning than I was before, and meals are definitely less elaborate.  Actually, I'm not sure she always knows it's me who does these things, so she's worried about me doing too much but thinks the staff is not keeping up with things like they used to.  I'll have to give that staff a talking-to; but hopefully the next few weeks will go by quickly and I'll be back up to better speed before long.

And then there's Ben, with his new motto of "You're feeling sick - woohoo!"

I have a friend who told me that when she was newly expecting and throwing up every morning, her husband would say, "Isn't this exciting?  We're having a new baby!  It's kind of cute that you get sick every morning!"  She was laughing about it and I knew why, because I can see Ben doing that.  It's a good thing, too.  Because boy, these slow days are no joke: I'm not used to having to STOP to smell roses - I generally appreciate them as I'm running by with a bucket full of weeds.  So when Ben cheers because I feel like I'm about to get sick, I laugh a little and then I feel better.

I've been told most of my life that I don't smile enough and take everything much too seriously.  Like all the things that float around in my mind as things that have to be done, but that will be just fine if I don't get to them for a while.  Going at half-speed for the past week is reminding me to take things less seriously, smile when I feel sick - no, actually because I feel sick - and be satisfied with getting only a few things done each day.

Like making dinner.  Which I should probably go do now.  If I can just get out of this chair...