Still Waiting

Things are moving along over here, but we are still mostly waiting.  I see many indications the baby will probably be born sometime in the next few days, which makes me a little sad, but as long as I continue to remember that all babies need to be born when it's their time, I'm okay.  I think Ben is concerned about how things are going to go - he was planning a meeting and to do some work tomorrow, but he went in today to do it instead since things are fairly stable and it's better to do what you have time for today than put it off for tomorrow when you might not.  He also called Mom and she came over to keep me and Grandma company since he was not happy about leaving us.

I've been doing all the things I would probably be doing if I expected to go into labor in the next few days, like getting dinners ready and taking the wash downstairs, etc.  From all indications, lying around not doing anything is probably not going to help me or the baby at all, so I figure it's better to live life normally rather than sit around giving myself an opportunity to feel sorry for myself!  It's not as if I'd be feeling sorry for the baby - whatever condition he's in, he's still God's baby and God has him in hand - but it's pretty easy to feel sorry for me and Ben.  I keep remembering that I've been around before when babies died and while it's not a happy thing, it's not something that destroys, either.  When you have peace, you have it in spite of circumstances.  You feel sad, but only for a while; and there is still peace and contentment and joy and the same small things that are always part of life, like taking walks in the morning and reading together at night and watching Grandma get a little stronger walking every day and celebrating birthdays and seeing new pictures of Baby Emma.  And taking the garbage out.

There's a story told in my family about the day after my sister Elaina died.  Dad was talking to a friend of ours and describing how the evening before had been and how Elaina had died.  He got to the end of the conversation and said, "Well, it's garbage day and I hear the truck down the street.  I'd better get the garbage out."

It sounds so funny juxtaposed with what he'd been talking about but...that's life!  The garbage still has to go out, dinner still has to be eaten, wash has to be done, bills have to be paid, the garden has to be weeded (and boy, does our landscaping need a good weeding!  I can't wait for spring!)...and you know what?  The same joy that's always been in those things is still there.  That is why God is good.

Surprisingly, what's most difficult to me is the thought of how many mornings I got up thinking - as I did every morning - "the baby's another day bigger today!"  It's not really something people talk about, how a mother is impacted when she discovers she has probably been carrying her baby around for weeks while he hasn't been alive.  I don't even mind the thought of him not being alive so much as I do the thought that he probably hasn't been for a while.  How can I carry him inside me and not even know?  But then I'm comforted by the fact that if this is true, it means I'm not fighting my own system to keep the baby inside.  Someday, if we don't have this baby, we will have another.  It's not like we can replace him, but that joy will be there too.

A good friend wrote us a wonderful email last night reminding us of some important things, and he said, "Remember that your child is alive whether his heart is beating here or not.  And I believe that just as you would if he were with you, you can now show him how much you really do believe in the things you say you believe."

And he's right.