Today

Joshua Hope Turner was born this morning approximately between 2:30 and 5:00.  We don't know exactly when because we were not given a chance to see him, but both of us are very much at peace.  Both with his birth and with his name.  Of course, as Ben says, we'll have a surprise when we meet him someday and it turns out he is really a she; but when Ben asked me this morning if we should name the baby, I said, "Yes.  And his name is Joshua Hope."  So I hope Joshua really is Joshua.  And that was not an intended play on words when I wrote it.

Joshua Hope literally means, "Hope in God's Salvation".  It's a good name for a firstborn son, though I think we're going to save the tradition of giving Ben's middle name to a son until we have a son we can really use it with.

We've been reading everyone's comments and are very touched by all your thoughts and prayers and reminders.  My goodness...we really have no idea truly how much we're loved until something like this happens!

It was quite an interesting night - the miscarriage pretty much began around midnight, so we never really had a chance to sleep.  We were very relaxed about it because everything went pretty smoothly and as we had it described to us.  We more or less camped out in the bathroom and talked together and monitored how things were going and hoped we would see the baby.  But we didn't and after an hour or an hour and a half, things slowed down and then virtually stopped and we thought, "Wow...that's it?  That wasn't so bad!"

We really hadn't known exactly what to expect.

But then about an hour later, things suddenly got strange.  I've heard of hemorrhaging before and everything I'd heard seemed actually a lot more mild than what we were experiencing.  Ben called Eileen the midwife right away and I described to her what was going on.  It was kind of funny, but at that point I was very calm and not even in a lot of pain, so it seemed almost like overkill when Eileen said, "Get to the hospital.  I mean, get in the car and go right now!"

So we did; and by the time we got to the hospital I was really glad we did.  Over the next three hours there was a lot of unpleasantness.  Actually, the very worst part was when they decided to do an ultrasound to see what was really going on in there...all I can say is OUCH!!!!!!!!!  I have a pretty high pain tolerance - or at least, I've learned to be pretty controlled about pretty high levels of pain, but when the tech put the ultrasound probe on my stomach and pushed down I was just about ready to quit right there.  It was like, "Okay, that's enough of that - let me out of here!"

As it turned out, though, in spite of the fairly violent nature of what my body was trying to do, what the folks at the hospital did was help me out by doing a lot of cleaning.  I didn't end up having any drugs to stop the bleeding or a D&C, since the OBGYN felt that my body was doing it's job on it's own and by the time he did his examination (around 7:00), everything had relaxed and wound down.  Ben and I were pretty exhausted since we'd then been up nearly 24 hours, so we sort of laid there together and took a nap while the OBGYN went to consult his superior to confirm his decision and then discharge papers were drawn up.  My bloodwork all looked excellent and in spite of the hemorrhage, my iron count was quite high and my blood pressure was normal.  They gave me IV fluids (this is all a new experience to me - I've not even been to a doctor in at least six years and I've never been to the hospital for myself since the day I came home 29 years ago as a newborn!) which actually made me feel a lot better.  Ben and I walked out together with no fuss or bother around 9:00 this morning and came home and went to bed.

Ben throughout was a wonderful husband, just as he has always given every indication he is.  He was the one who's alarm bells went off to call the midwife and he was the one who hustled me out the door and made arrangements (thank you, Dad Turner, for getting up at 4:00 AM to give us the keys to the minivan so I could lie down in the back on the way to the hospital!) and got me to the hospital.  The midwife told me later this afternoon that when she got off the phone with me she was wishing she'd impressed on Ben the urgency of the situation because she was concerned he would try to hang around and do things like make arrangements for Grandma, etc., rather than getting me in right away.  I was proud to report that he was the one rushing me out the door - as calmly as only Ben can rush.  I never saw anyone who can be in emergency mode with a twinkle in his eye, but Ben can.  How on Earth does he do that??!

There were also some pretty nasty moments in the hospital when Ben was holding onto me and making me look at him so I could handle what was being done.  He kept saying, "Look at me, Lauren.  No, don't look away.  Just keep looking at me.  Good.  See?  I'm right here with you.  You're going to be fine.  You're doing great.  Just keep looking at me."  Not sure how I would've done through those moments without him; and I think one reason the ultrasound was the worst part was because he had to wait just outside instead of being with me.  He also was the consistent person with me and he was monitoring the hemmorhaging very steadily.  He told me early in the morning while we were waiting for things to happen that he wasn't sure how good he was with "blood and stuff like that", but he was as steady as a rock.  I am so amazed and impressed by him.  This is going to sound funny considering the circumstances, but if I weren't already married to him I would marry him all over again this morning.  He is a jewel of a man and I am blessed beyond measure to have him vow to me that the rest of my life will be with him.

I regret not being able to see Joshua, but I do believe what God said: that he is alive and that God has him safe.  Whatever was left of him here is not our baby.  I am relieved that this is all done.  Even the whole process of the miscarriage was actually easier for me than the sitting and waiting, to be honest; and to know that my body did not fail but that Joshua simply did not grow is something that brings me a lot of comfort.  People die when it is time, but to have to fight to keep him alive because my body was failing him would've been a whole lot more difficult for me, I think.

I also had a good conversation with a very trusted herbalist this morning and she was telling me that her oldest daughter had exactly the same thing happen to her a few years ago - got married, got pregnant right away, lost the baby around six or seven weeks.  She said that her daughter's hormones hadn't learned to switch from not being pregnant to being pregnant, as if there's an adjustment that comes with being married and then expecting; so she had her take a couple of different things to balance out the body's ability to "shift modes", so to speak.  Her daughter got pregnant again 6 weeks later and delivered a perfectly healthy baby; and has just delivered her third in four years, all with no complications.  I was very encouraged by this, especially since every time I've had occasion to follow this friend's advice, the results have been very good.  Not that we should trust these things instead of God, but I feel very comforted that this situation is not even all that unusual and there is something I can do to give myself a chance to heal and carry another child safely.

Our families are taking very good care of us over here and we are mostly just resting and feeling very blessed that we are safe and on the other side of something we were not really sure how to approach or what was going to happen.  Mom Turner has Grandma comfortably ensconced next door and Elizabeth is going to bring us dinner.  Nana and Papa send us some beautiful flowers that are currently decorating our kitchen table.  We had leftover pad thai for lunch that Leah and Benjamin brought us for dinner last night, which is comfort food around here!  Mom Tuckfield came over this afternoon and spent a lot of time talking with us and calling vitamin shops to find the recommended supplements.  Jenny was texting, "I love you guys!" to us early this morning while we were still in the middle of things and that was very special.  All the loving messages are almost overwhelming because they're so consistent and so kind.  We are definitely very loved.

There is great peace in our house today.  Actually, there was even great peace between Ben and I this morning through all the weird and painful things that were going on.  I think that could only be God's gift to us as well, because otherwise it would've been pretty scary.  I'm so glad we could do this together, that this kind of thing pulls us together rather than pushing us apart, that my love for Ben and Ben's love for me is greater today than it was yesterday.  I don't think God meant babies to die when he created marriage and blessed marriage with children (or else he wouldn't have surveyed Creation and said "it is very good"!); but he did make the bond between a husband and wife to be a wonderful thing and today was just another time we've gotten to look at exactly how special it is.

So.  Happy Birthday, Joshua!